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August 12th, 2023

  August 12 th , 2023 I didn’t write an entry yesterday because I had a date. It was good food and decent company that turned awkward and uncomfortable when he forced a long hug I didn’t want at the end of the date. I am not writing about that, though, it isn’t worth sharing. What I will write about is how my grandma found out I am doing tarot again and she changed the rules to not allowing me to have my cards in the house AT ALL. I am so angry. She is the one who made me paranoid about them in the first place my not respecting my schizophrenia and telling me they are evil. When I am medicated, tarot doesn’t scare me. I am not paranoid about demons anymore. How can you take someone with schizophrenia and make it worse for them? I am so infuriated and upset I don’t want to get ready for my gym date. I have an hour to be out of the house. I don’t want to write a lot today I just want to journal and get out my feelings about tarot cards. I enjoy them. I connect to them. I think ...
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Pink

  Pink   I have a world inside me no one can see I can color a stop sign purple and pink Others to see oh They’d need hallucinations or a drink Me? it’s all in what I think   I’m too much of tricks Too much of treats Too much of trouble I got it all and I got it doubled Yin and Yang with a little tang I’m a the rainbow after the rain I’m a sunrise on a dark night I’m a full moon Coloring the world with mystery and magic I can cause a panic As I get fierce and I get frantic Oh I can cause a panic   As I go and walk on by Grass grows and the world sings a lullaby Everything is wild and alive I grow vines I grow roses and thorns I leave the world a little less Every lover I leave forelorn Cause they can’t cut off my horns   Cause no one can capture my mind I’m a girl out of time I’m bright rainbows and I’m icy cold butterflies I visualize I create delight or a little demise Everywhere I go oh everyth...
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X and O

 X and O we write our X’s and O’s in blood singing and then screeching a deadly tune we scream and howl at the moon like wild creatures and wilder banshees you chase me with a chain saw that’s how I know you are in it for the long hall I’m poised, ready, and a little petty Let me love you with my machete   We have our games My favorite is playing hide and seek I love when you show me a little of your freak Let me clean my knife off I got to find a way to get you off Apply a bit of pressure please darling hold still Maybe later you can drug me with my pills I wanna draw patterns and zig zags I wanna feel your breath as the metal drags Do I get to put you in a body bag?   Oh god the drag of the day I’m surrounded by all the mundane No one ever lets me out to play It’s all drones, robots, and zombies All I want is to focus on your body   Your breath your gasp Your groans your moans I want to make you fall apart I...
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Stitches

  Stitches You can say I’m something of a creep I take little girls as dolls to keep I stitch their mouth so they can’t say a peep My name is Victim and I surround myself in sleep I consume myself in the cold numbness of nothing I’m nature and rot and I vomit quite a lot But I’m something sinless in all my rot Cause how do I sin without lips I talk to the blind with my heart and hips Sweet like sugar— cherry lips It’s easier to empty my entire head Then be a doll to be dead I’ll bleed it all from my head I’m the nightmare in your bed To devastate and demolish Cause I got a deadly kiss I’ll bring anyone to bliss I’ll break them all like this Then I’ll stitch their lips I’m vulgar and I’m vile I look like the Queen of the Nile In my head I’m rot and bile I keep my dolls broken in a pile Come close and stay awhile Stay in sleep, stay in the black My button eyes will have you hallucinating a heart attack I want to take a soul and pa...
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August 09th, 2023

  August 09 th , 2023 My legs are silky smooth from the shaving cream I bought. I typically never splurge on nice shower products, but the nearly $700 to hit my bank account on Monday takes away any guilt or weirdness I’d feel for buying it. I have to be honest. I’m typically pretty broke. Making $17/h is new to me and it is changing the way I purchase food, beauty products, and the recreational activities I do. I take singing lessons now once a week, I go to the YMCA and attend their classes, and I am considering a kickboxing class to round it all out. I’m officially an adult with Adult Money. Today despite my developing work crush I did think of my ex. I think of him when a song plays which reminds me of him, or I see someone with dark curly hair, or something jabs at my brain and screams “MEMORY! CORE ROMANTIC MEMORY!” That’s an Inside Out joke for you. I feel like the little characters inside my brain dance happily, sigh, and cry over my ex too often for my comfort. It’s ha...
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pretty package

 pretty package  Today the world slipped through my fingers An ache in my chest to be hurt lingered When I was younger, I bruised my skin From pale, to purple, red, and blue Blackened and throbbing I wanted a symphony of guilt and pain To have my soul sobbing As I drown in acidic, intoxicating rain I chase every drop; I cry to be drained The taste of sorrow is sweet and addicting I learned from an early age Violence is a beautiful cage To ensnare like vines, and weeds, Such a comfortable thing to plant; this seed So I grew to like every cut and I bleed For every stone I cast and place on my back I enjoyed the chill of an empty lonesome shack For violence is a comfortable thing I’m critical, I’m mean I wear the scars on my skin Some girls only wish to be thin I wish I was not born a sin There’s a devil to grin For every lash I slash I tear apart my own back For it is forgiveness I lack Of myself to ever see I am allowed to s...
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August 08th, 2023

  August 08 th , 2023 Fat bitch fat bitch oink oink piggy. Fat bitch fat bitch. Tonight, the voices of my schizophrenia are loud and they are directed with full lethality and teeth at one target: me. You see. I’m only a few days into my new exercise routine and I weighed myself tonight: 155. The number cuts through my heart and strikes fear into me like a bolt of lighting jabbing me in the eye. It is too close to comfort to 160 – the highest I’ve ever been on antipsychotic medication. The Zyprexa boob growth I was happy about 2 weeks ago has turned into fat and cellulite growth on every place I don’t want. I know I need to be kind to myself but my schizophrenia is trying to befriend me. Well, befriend me between a slew of insults. It brings a picture in mind of me in the worst of my psychosis where I drew poka dots on my skin with Sharpie to calm the voices. In it, I was on little medicine. As a consequence, I was thin and pretty. I remember showing the picture to my ex and him...
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