August 12th, 2023

 

August 12th, 2023

I didn’t write an entry yesterday because I had a date. It was good food and decent company that turned awkward and uncomfortable when he forced a long hug I didn’t want at the end of the date. I am not writing about that, though, it isn’t worth sharing. What I will write about is how my grandma found out I am doing tarot again and she changed the rules to not allowing me to have my cards in the house AT ALL. I am so angry. She is the one who made me paranoid about them in the first place my not respecting my schizophrenia and telling me they are evil.

When I am medicated, tarot doesn’t scare me. I am not paranoid about demons anymore. How can you take someone with schizophrenia and make it worse for them? I am so infuriated and upset I don’t want to get ready for my gym date. I have an hour to be out of the house. I don’t want to write a lot today I just want to journal and get out my feelings about tarot cards.

I enjoy them. I connect to them. I think of my cards like my little pets. They honestly act like children. They have personalities. I don’t know what to tell my gram. What she said overwhelmed me and made me upset. It bothers me she is changing the rules on what is allowed.

She makes my relationship with God more difficult. She makes me feel guilty for trying to be a Christian and trying to do tarot. She doesn’t even care. She thinks she is in the right. She isn’t. I’m not in the right either. I think there is a compromise somewhere here she refuses to see.

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