August 08th, 2023

 

August 08th, 2023

Fat bitch fat bitch oink oink piggy. Fat bitch fat bitch. Tonight, the voices of my schizophrenia are loud and they are directed with full lethality and teeth at one target: me. You see. I’m only a few days into my new exercise routine and I weighed myself tonight: 155. The number cuts through my heart and strikes fear into me like a bolt of lighting jabbing me in the eye. It is too close to comfort to 160 – the highest I’ve ever been on antipsychotic medication. The Zyprexa boob growth I was happy about 2 weeks ago has turned into fat and cellulite growth on every place I don’t want. I know I need to be kind to myself but my schizophrenia is trying to befriend me. Well, befriend me between a slew of insults. It brings a picture in mind of me in the worst of my psychosis where I drew poka dots on my skin with Sharpie to calm the voices. In it, I was on little medicine. As a consequence, I was thin and pretty.

I remember showing the picture to my ex and him saying how hot I looked. I agree. The problem is- crazy isn’t sexy. Or at least, not my kind of crazy, where I freak out and rub toothpaste on my skin to calm the sensory bullshit happening under the surface in my brain. In an ideal world I could be thin and sane. I am trying for it with my new exercise routine, cardio and swimming with a rotation of the two so I don’t die of exhaustion. Honestly, I like not being scared of my own food. I like being able to distinguish reality. Zyprexa gives me that. So my schizophrenia can tell me as loudly as it wants that I’m a fat stupid bitch but it doesn’t mean I have to give into the demands and go off medicine. My psychosis is way too ugly and dangerous. But yeah. I’m a girl. Of course, I want to be pretty.

It is something of a grieving process accepting the fact I can’t go off medicine and live insane. The illness only progresses with time and I lose more of my sanity and my psychosis gets more dangerous as I age. I kind of want to cry. I might cry. I know the reason why antipsychotics make you gain weight- they change the functioning of your metabolism, along with fucking with the receptors of hunger. The first one though is why antipsychotics work. Not that anyone has figured it out yet, truly. I think my theory is something of a new one. Here’s why: the metabolic issues antipsychotics change fucks with the metabolic changes in the cerebral spinal fluid (CSF). It is why mood stabilizers do nothing to mute my psychosis. Because they do not change the metabolism as antipsychotics do. So, ridiculously enough, because of what is called a side effect we have the closest thing to a cure from this disease there is.

I wanted to write briefly about my new job. I realize now through lunches and the relationship you build with coworkers how my ex cheated on me. It hurts me he would throw away everything for the zap of a connection you get working with someone. I even have a work crush myself. Maybe. Though unlike my ex, I don’t currently have a romantic partner.

I am unsure how I became District Pharmacy Technician. I am being trained from the ground up. I am being grown like a little plant my boss decided to invest in. It’s cool but scary to be given an opportunity like this. Crazy, skinny Alex? Yeah, there is no way she could hold down a job. No, she would be too paranoid, too frantic—coloring her skin with poke dots and toothpaste.

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