Spiderweb

 Spiderweb 

by Alexandria 

I am an empty spiderweb

Tangled and made of rot

And I am weighed down by everything I am not

I am not a burden nor am I a lot

My soul can not be persuaded or bought

I am made dry and I am made of drought

By every connection I whisper for and shout

Why is my anxiety such a mess for everyone around me

Why must my existence be an everlasting apology

Why must I be sorry for simply breathing and to be

Why am I a threat by being exclusively me

I wish I could breathe out peace and promises

I wish I could tell my father I want to gift him a primrose

I wish I was big enough to arise and arose

From every petal he picked off and every harsh word he chose

Now I’m either the liar or the thief

I’m bringing up the old times but God forgive my grief

Oh, please God just forgive all my grief

I never asked to be Bipolar, I never asked for the panic, I never asked to be manic

I know I’m a thief and a liar and I know I exist to consume

I know I speak too many words and I make others suffocate or bloom

I never asked to be a gardener and in fact I’d ask God for his pardon

Most days I’d choose to be forgotten then in charge of my own garden

Cause there’s too many weeds and I can’t dance where my feet bleed

Cause how do I plant any new seeds when there’s an ache I wish to feed

I will sit among the brambles and the weeds and oh God will I ever plead

To understand my family and understand the famine

To accept being empty and damaged and still give myself any compassion

I am an empty spiderweb

I am a ghost of all my old dreads

I cannot put it fully to death when my childhood is a mess of everything unsaid

I cannot cry for the past without being too weathered or weak

Yet how do I heal my soul for all the love that it seeks

I never asked to be such an anxious fucked up freak

I am afraid of how my humanity makes me weak

And how do I build these solid foundations

When any words are seen as a condemnation

I’m afraid I must be wordless and a page completely blank

Or I’m digging up old wounds and I’m digging my damnation

I am an empty spiderweb

Tangled and frail with all my connections

I have lived as my own rejection

I am something needing correction

Because God oh forgive me

I’m too much panic and not enough perfection

My expression is an act of pasts and regression

And to hear my confession oh well she’s

A crying little girl

She’s crying and she’s weak

She doesn’t deserve a goddamn mention

Please someone tell my mother

I never asked to make her suffer

I never asked to be born this –

 broken and othered

Let’s say I’m a sin who deserves to be smothered

And I don’t say a damn word for an ounce of sympathy

I need to bleed out any and every harm –

I cut myself free from my spiderweb

I write out my symphonies and I grieve a little girl long dead

I write to her and I say you never deserved any yell or alarm

You were young and you were small and you deserved no harm

I’ll cut you free from all these webs and old, old dread

I’ll give you all the love and every word they left unsaid

Till the end I love you I’ll always be your family and your friend