Haunted Hearts Poetry

  August 12 th , 2023 I didn’t write an entry yesterday because I had a date. It was good food and decent company that turned awkward and uncomfortable when he forced a long hug I didn’t want at the end of the date. I am not writing about that, though, it isn’t worth sharing. What I will write about is how my grandma found out I am doing tarot again and she changed the rules to not allowing me to have my cards in the house AT ALL. I am so angry. She is the one who made me paranoid about them in the first place my not respecting my schizophrenia and telling me they are evil. When I am medicated, tarot doesn’t scare me. I am not paranoid about demons anymore. How can you take someone with schizophrenia and make it worse for them? I am so infuriated and upset I don’t want to get ready for my gym date. I have an hour to be out of the house. I don’t want to write a lot today I just want to journal and get out my feelings about tarot cards. I enjoy them. I connect to them. I think ...

  Pink   I have a world inside me no one can see I can color a stop sign purple and pink Others to see oh They’d need hallucinations or a drink Me? it’s all in what I think   I’m too much of tricks Too much of treats Too much of trouble I got it all and I got it doubled Yin and Yang with a little tang I’m a the rainbow after the rain I’m a sunrise on a dark night I’m a full moon Coloring the world with mystery and magic I can cause a panic As I get fierce and I get frantic Oh I can cause a panic   As I go and walk on by Grass grows and the world sings a lullaby Everything is wild and alive I grow vines I grow roses and thorns I leave the world a little less Every lover I leave forelorn Cause they can’t cut off my horns   Cause no one can capture my mind I’m a girl out of time I’m bright rainbows and I’m icy cold butterflies I visualize I create delight or a little demise Everywhere I go oh everyth...

 X and O we write our X’s and O’s in blood singing and then screeching a deadly tune we scream and howl at the moon like wild creatures and wilder banshees you chase me with a chain saw that’s how I know you are in it for the long hall I’m poised, ready, and a little petty Let me love you with my machete   We have our games My favorite is playing hide and seek I love when you show me a little of your freak Let me clean my knife off I got to find a way to get you off Apply a bit of pressure please darling hold still Maybe later you can drug me with my pills I wanna draw patterns and zig zags I wanna feel your breath as the metal drags Do I get to put you in a body bag?   Oh god the drag of the day I’m surrounded by all the mundane No one ever lets me out to play It’s all drones, robots, and zombies All I want is to focus on your body   Your breath your gasp Your groans your moans I want to make you fall apart I...

  Stitches You can say I’m something of a creep I take little girls as dolls to keep I stitch their mouth so they can’t say a peep My name is Victim and I surround myself in sleep I consume myself in the cold numbness of nothing I’m nature and rot and I vomit quite a lot But I’m something sinless in all my rot Cause how do I sin without lips I talk to the blind with my heart and hips Sweet like sugar— cherry lips It’s easier to empty my entire head Then be a doll to be dead I’ll bleed it all from my head I’m the nightmare in your bed To devastate and demolish Cause I got a deadly kiss I’ll bring anyone to bliss I’ll break them all like this Then I’ll stitch their lips I’m vulgar and I’m vile I look like the Queen of the Nile In my head I’m rot and bile I keep my dolls broken in a pile Come close and stay awhile Stay in sleep, stay in the black My button eyes will have you hallucinating a heart attack I want to take a soul and pa...

  August 09 th , 2023 My legs are silky smooth from the shaving cream I bought. I typically never splurge on nice shower products, but the nearly $700 to hit my bank account on Monday takes away any guilt or weirdness I’d feel for buying it. I have to be honest. I’m typically pretty broke. Making $17/h is new to me and it is changing the way I purchase food, beauty products, and the recreational activities I do. I take singing lessons now once a week, I go to the YMCA and attend their classes, and I am considering a kickboxing class to round it all out. I’m officially an adult with Adult Money. Today despite my developing work crush I did think of my ex. I think of him when a song plays which reminds me of him, or I see someone with dark curly hair, or something jabs at my brain and screams “MEMORY! CORE ROMANTIC MEMORY!” That’s an Inside Out joke for you. I feel like the little characters inside my brain dance happily, sigh, and cry over my ex too often for my comfort. It’s ha...

 pretty package  Today the world slipped through my fingers An ache in my chest to be hurt lingered When I was younger, I bruised my skin From pale, to purple, red, and blue Blackened and throbbing I wanted a symphony of guilt and pain To have my soul sobbing As I drown in acidic, intoxicating rain I chase every drop; I cry to be drained The taste of sorrow is sweet and addicting I learned from an early age Violence is a beautiful cage To ensnare like vines, and weeds, Such a comfortable thing to plant; this seed So I grew to like every cut and I bleed For every stone I cast and place on my back I enjoyed the chill of an empty lonesome shack For violence is a comfortable thing I’m critical, I’m mean I wear the scars on my skin Some girls only wish to be thin I wish I was not born a sin There’s a devil to grin For every lash I slash I tear apart my own back For it is forgiveness I lack Of myself to ever see I am allowed to s...

  August 08 th , 2023 Fat bitch fat bitch oink oink piggy. Fat bitch fat bitch. Tonight, the voices of my schizophrenia are loud and they are directed with full lethality and teeth at one target: me. You see. I’m only a few days into my new exercise routine and I weighed myself tonight: 155. The number cuts through my heart and strikes fear into me like a bolt of lighting jabbing me in the eye. It is too close to comfort to 160 – the highest I’ve ever been on antipsychotic medication. The Zyprexa boob growth I was happy about 2 weeks ago has turned into fat and cellulite growth on every place I don’t want. I know I need to be kind to myself but my schizophrenia is trying to befriend me. Well, befriend me between a slew of insults. It brings a picture in mind of me in the worst of my psychosis where I drew poka dots on my skin with Sharpie to calm the voices. In it, I was on little medicine. As a consequence, I was thin and pretty. I remember showing the picture to my ex and him...

 Tales from the Madhouse Inside the mind of schizoaffective disorder August 07 th , 2023 The stink of Raid is killing the ants crawling down from the top corner of my gram’s ceiling. It does little to kill the ants crawling inside my brain— there are many. My latest psychotic episode involved thinking my dad and grandma molested me when I was little. It is scary how the voices can take on the people you love the most. Of course, I know now it was another one of schizophrenia’s tricks. The illness thinks of it all like a game where I have to play through till the end. Less than 2 months ago I was sitting paralyzed in the bed of my gram staring at my hands as they stayed frozen. I remembered false memories of the “assault” including how my hands were held and I was forced to sit as my family molested me. In the memories I stared up at a clock and I remember thinking this is why certain random household things felt evil and wrong all my life. The Black kitty Cat clock with its searc...

 Love Song By Alexandria  So I found myself writing a love song And I wondered Am I doing myself wrong?   Because there’s thorns among the roses What a vice grip I found myself in What a sin, what a sin To face the sun Burnt and blindsided When I am done My lack of practicality Out of touch with reality Young and dumb   Hey! Let’s go towards the sun. Chase what’s hot and all consuming Admire the moon as it is looming Here in the distance, so close and yet so far You’re my sun, my moon, and my brightest star   He’s all doom and gloom I think it ended all too soon My head is full of lies Despite the need to despise, I’m wise enough to rise From the caution of demise   So I found myself writing a love song And I wondered Am I doing myself wrong?   The plaster of his mask Won’t hold no matter how empty his flask or how he flatters   Boy can’t help but get plastered To avoid ever...

 Villain By Alexandria What does it take to make a villain A little pain, a little loss, make sanity the cost He’s got to be broken and a little lost Every villain needs his scars and his are everywhere They live in his heart and his skin to wear No one but me knows how much he cares He’s delirium, danger, and your every nightmare But he’s fragile and something to scare   I could break his heart with a whisper I could break his bones with a kiss I could burn his name down with just one wish It’s this- I like villains for their vulnerability I like their porcelain skin, I like how they bleed and sin But most of all, oh most of all I like how I’m everything he needs I am his precious pain, His rainbow after the rain I like how if he lost me he’d go a little insane   He’s my villain to violate He’s mine to love and hate Cause that line is a little thin When he’s spent so long in my skin I’m a breath of air and then I’m vi...

 Apathy By Alexandria All throughout trauma and their trees How I cannot stand these weeds Every bloodline soiled by lust or lack Abuse to carry, To cripple and make weary For I have a theory Our smallest are bruised Purple, red, and blue   Then expected to take A different perspective, A different view So, we can send out little girls Little boys Broken and othered To then break others As they ache, ache, ache For the love of another To crawl into another’s skin To leave all of their family’s sin Where to belong, Where to grow? When this poison was rooted Long before their birth Bound to the generations before To be a slave To be a serf – And what to fight for! For the pride of a lover? For the love of another? All of the codependency, And this awful, awful tendency To suffocate and hide Any shame and any fear Then make humility A sacrificial deer If I am to be a mother Will I take on the vices Of eve...

 Spiderweb  by Alexandria  I am an empty spiderweb Tangled and made of rot And I am weighed down by everything I am not I am not a burden nor am I a lot My soul can not be persuaded or bought I am made dry and I am made of drought By every connection I whisper for and shout Why is my anxiety such a mess for everyone around me Why must my existence be an everlasting apology Why must I be sorry for simply breathing and to be Why am I a threat by being exclusively me I wish I could breathe out peace and promises I wish I could tell my father I want to gift him a primrose I wish I was big enough to arise and arose From every petal he picked off and every harsh word he chose Now I’m either the liar or the thief I’m bringing up the old times but God forgive my grief Oh, please God just forgive all my grief I never asked to be Bipolar, I never asked for the panic, I never asked to be manic I know I’m a thief and a liar and I know I exist to ...

 Liar  By Alexandria Somedays I’m a liar who don’t know myself at all Somedays I’m a liar who wants to see myself fall Somedays I’d take the prettiest of nothings Over anything ever, ever, real Somedays I dictate a boy’s opinions on How to feel   Somedays I wanna stay in bed until 3 pm Then I wanna cry and ask everyone else why I’m hating who I am Why I’m needing a little of nothing to Feel alive Why I’m stuck in the kiddie pool Afraid to dive   And I don’t know, no I don’t know When I decided I hate myself And I’d rather be pleasing somebody else Then ever, ever being myself   Somedays I’m a liar Prepared to light myself on fire For someone else And I guess the chaos is a distraction From the simple truth I can’t stand myself   No I wouldn’t rather be anyone else But I’d rather be a me too pretty A me too mean I’d rather be too smart or crazy Rather stay in bed and be a little lazy Then confro...